I’ve mostly fallen silent here. Stopped writing week notes, the most regular form of writing I did in the past years. Even fell partially out of the habit of writing my own day logs in my notes.
It’s time for a short, and perhaps cryptic update.

Last year May, after nudges by E and Y, I realised I was showing many symptoms of burn-out. Working with a psychologist I hit upon several changes that would help overcome it. Feeding my internal hunger to explore topics, and tap into my usually holistic and idealistic view of things as a source of creative energy (rather than the unattainable benchmark of perfection), are key parts of keeping myself motivated and mentally healthy. I had lost sight of that.

Around the start of this year I thought I was moving in the right direction.
Yet, the past 7 months have been way worse. Even if it did with hindsight point to what the root cause is, helping me to trust there’s a way forward.

One of my longtime business partners has left our company per this month. The outcome of a long sad process, made necessary by a cognitive medical issue.
In hindsight I’ve been covering increasing gaps in the past three years, adding well over a year of billable hours to my existing workload in that period. Since 9 months we’ve been in a process with our team of bringing my businesspartner to an acceptable exit. Along the way I needed to increasingly and then fully take on the role of defending the financial viability of the company and protect our business, in stark contrast with the personal grief attached to in the near future losing a close colleague and friend of 15 years. His condition made such conversations first increasingly difficult and then impossible, which only added to the urgency.

We all had to muddle through though, with all the unavoidable pain and difficulty.
I’m deeply relieved that we now are at a turning point. My friend and business partner is no longer with the company, we’ve said our goodbyes both as a team, last week, and with our wider (client) network, yesterday.
I’m deeply proud and glad of my business partners and team members in how we kept working to this point of release with care and love, and supported each other in all of this.
The financial side of things has been settled, and hasn’t become a threat to the continuity of the company (it very well could have), also because of the commitment of others in our network who have come through for us all. It is also in time to still be meaningful for my partner. Still, we need time to right the ship to be able to go on as a team and business. And more loss and grief in this chain of events is just a few months off.

I’m tired, so so tired. After next week I’m taking time off, mostly until September. This blog will likely remain silent throughout that time. I’ll be with E and Y, licking my and our wounds, and with our amazing team doing the same. Tears and sleep will be key ingredients I’m sure.